All the Way to the West Coast

Enter the mind of Harley Spade as she scribbles her heart onto her sleeve

Tonight, I take back the thrown

The demons came rushing in last night.
Vile demons they are.
Blood-sucking vermon.
They were after my soul.

I ran.
I ran so fast, so far
Breathless, in a ditch
Miles from my thrown.

I thought I was in love
My naivety got me into trouble
Tonight.
Shit.

As I lay awake in my ditch
The stars shine millions
of sparkles onto my face
I am not scared.

Spent the morning
Watching the demons
devour my entire kingdom.
I felt cowardly.

Somewhere in the pit
I found some strength
And failure was not an option.
I stood.

Swinging my sword
Ready to fight
Ready to battle
Until my kingdom was clean

Clean of demonic verman
Clean of destruction and pity
Tonight, I will take back my thrown.
I will not take no. 

it’s been a while

Nothing can help you now. 

I will burn your entire kingdom down

Down beneath the ground.

Burry your pathetic existance alive.

Breathe breathe no sound.

Just try to put my fire out.

Breathe breathe no sound

Breath breath blow blow lights out

For everything

For you

If your heart only knew

What my demolition is about.

Screw your premonitions

Screw your hope.

I have no answer or end for you, pathetic soul.

Can you believe it’s so?

I’ll end your tyrant

I’ll end your breath

breathe breathe no sound

“Must have been the meth”

Talk yourself out

Pant pant, so profound.

Whine, cry, beat, beat, pound.

Can you shout through me?

What demon is stronger than me?

Can you pout through me?

Face me!

"so there goes my life

…sometimes i wonder how i will stay strong”

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of junk I tend to collect in my life. It never ceases to amaze me how refreshing it feels to just toss that junk away. Deb moved out on Saturday and Winston moved in. He’s been keeping me company since and until I move out on Thursday. Winston is a mouse. He’s harmless. 

Fork the road
Left or right
day or night
I’m sold 


…this writer’s block is the worst.

i am…

…mouthwashing. really.

at some point i have to clean and pack.

at some point i have to finish a script.

at some point i have to buy a bike.

at some point i have to turn 27…

…27

whenever some point becomes here and now…

…i will always like Mar-VELL better.

when you smile the whole world…

…stops and stares for a while.

Oh shit.

Oh shit…

"You are perfect exactly how you are and I would never ask you to change"
How hard is that to say?
Can you imagine?

B = slip of the drunk finger

R= slip of the drunk fingers…

Y= slipping… oh, I’m slipping.
Do I need to continue?
Do you hear me?
Do you read me?

Oh shit…

You know, this life is pretty crazy if you let it.
Open your eyes to the life around you.
Embrace the life you create.
Laugh at yourself when you bomb “Billie Jean” at karaoke…
… “I still love her, I don’t really care…”

"It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all"
I agree. But man, the feeling of love is so thrilling. 

I don’t really know what I’m doing…
Or why.

I just want you to hear me.
I want you to just know without me telling you.
You’re very neat.
And yes, she is a plumber.

Oh shit… 

…she can bring you dreams…

… rip your life at the seems.

It’s my first post in a while. Not that I have been too busy to post, I have been neglecting. Other things in my life have been taking up time and energy. And frankly, all my creativity.

Writing is simple. Wanting to write can be an entirely different stumbling block. I have been watching a show on Netflix called Skins. I have been inspired by it’s honesty. The issues that arise as the story progresses are intense human struggles that make me focus on my own character flaws. But not in the usual “woe is me” way.


I have been feeling stronger lately.

I have been making changes and taking strides to better my character.
It’s weird.

How have you been?

All that is. All that can be.
Doesn’t surface.

Each that is. Each that can be.
Doesn’t surface.
Stay stagnant.
Stay is.

Never grow. Never blossom. Never BE.
Just is.
What is is?

I can be a mentor. I can be a survivor.
I can be honest. I can be a liar.
I can be your inspiration. I can be a cure.
I can be death and deals. I can be pure.
I can walk straight. I can walk a turn.
I can be oblivious. I can always learn.
I can take it all. I can leave everything.

I can kill your life or cherish all those things.

A tale of the wicked.

Don’t shoot.

Just be.

Just aloof.

"I was looking for a breath of life…

…A little touch of heavenly light
But all the choirs in my head sang,
No”

I am finally in love.

shout SHOUT SHOUT
 loud LOUD LOUD

(carrying me)

Guess what?
I AM FINALLY IN LOVE.

"I feel it from my heart down to my legs.”


Every millimeter of my system is shaking.
Every inch of my being is fluttering faster than butterfly wings
Every bit. Every atom. Every everything.
I can’t imagine tomorrow without this feeling.
I never want another moment without this feeling.

I will do whatever it takes to feel this always.
Forever.

THIS FEVER!!!!!! 

 This fever was chills.
This fever now heat. Hot hot boiling bubbling heat.
Hotter than the core of earth.
Hotter than the rays of sun.
Back to cold cold cold. Shivers.
Heavy laden head.
Aching bones and brittle joints.
Pounding skull and dripping nose.
Heaven knows the joy of survival.  




TRIAL TRIAL

Judge.
Jury.

HURRY!
Love like a beast.
Love like a demon.
No rhyme or reason.

Sound scary?

Naw, sir. Naw.

Perspective. Reaction.

LOVE, HARLEY IS NOT SCARY!
Do not fear this. I am in love.

I AM FINALLY IN LOVE.
"the room is still quite.
I was looking for a breath of life…
…the choirs in my head said no…”

MISTRO! SHUT UP THE CHOIR!

My heart says YES.

yes YES YES! 

a little piece I’m working on…

Dialogue

By Harley Spade

“You belong to a whole other category of women,” he laughed as he jabbed his pointer finger onto my chest. “I can’t even begin to imagine the harm you would cause me. You must be the most evil, conniving woman I have ever met.” My eyes bulged out of my head. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Dave had never said anything like that to me before. Until today it was all roses and compliments, sparkling rings and beach vacations. Sure, I couldn’t stomach the idea of being intimate with him. He was quite immature and irritating most of the time. But I put up with all of it for the gifts and trips and wine and dining. He made me feel like a princess on a daily basis. He was my prince charming but quite the frog unfortunately. I think he finally caught on to my scheming.

“What on earth are you talking about?” I defended.

“You don’t love me, do you?” He huffed with a convinced tone, “I know now, you never truly have. I feel so used. So abused. So broken!” He threw his bags down on the bed, did a one-eighty turn towards the door but hesitated to leave. He glanced over his shoulder and whispered, “What now am I supposed to do?”

I hopped up beside him grabbed his hand and said “None of this is true, babe.” I was trying to convince myself as I rubbed my hand up his wrist. “I don’t know where you got the idea that I don’t love you. We’ve been through so much over the last year. I never left your side once”

He pulled his hand away from mine and responded, “True, but I can hardly believe you are saving yourself for marriage anymore. You’re not even a Christian. And I know you aren’t a virgin. Why won’t you sleep with me? We sleep in the same bed for Christ’s sake!”

I began to feel a tingling fear rise inside my stomach all the way up to my throat. I felt as though I was being choked by the truth. It lodged itself inside my neck and started to kick its way out of my mouth. I took a deep breath and gulped honesty back down into my chest and said “I think I just wanted to keep something special between us.”

“You think?” he gasped. “You think. Shouldn’t this be something you know?” He looked me dead in the eye, digging with his baby blues for my confession. He looked down and shook his head. “I don’t know if I can continue to be with someone who refuses to be intimate with me.”

“Refuse?” I replied. “I, I, wouldn’t call it refusal, babe. You know me, ya? You, you know my heart.” I couldn’t help but stutter over my words.

“Oh, come on. I spend and spend and spend for you. I drive and fly and stand for you. I cook and clean and launder for you. You rack up my credit cards, you drink all my wine, you eat all my food and crawl into my silk sheets with dirty feet!” He stopped and finally took a wheezing breath. I stood speechless. “And you can’t even consider holding me at night. What is wrong with me?” Shuttering, he fell onto the bed and dropped his face into his hands. I stood in the darkness unable to move my lips.

What could I have said to change his mind? I was terrible a midst a conflict. My normal response would be to shut down or cry uncontrollably and play the victim. That is easy. But I felt tense and anxious as I knew the truth was about to spew from my mouth. I sat down beside him and could feel his sadness brew deeper into his heart and boil his fear.

“I, I guess, um” I stuttered. “I should be honest with you.” His eyes rolled open and slowly turned to gaze at me.

“Go on.” He whispered.

“Well, you know I do care deeply about our relationship. You are my best friend. We have been through so much and I can only thank you for all the times you bailed me out gave me a shoulder to cry on. For that I am so grateful.” I testified as he took a deep breath and peered back down at his folded hands. “Hey, it’s the truth. But there’s more.”

“I know, you can’t fool me any longer Hariette. This game needs to end before we both lose.” He looked back at me with those baby blues knowing he was pulling the truth from the hole in my heart he dug out moments before. I knew it was time. He was right. It’s not fair to him that I continue to use and abuse his love for me. And it’s not fair to me to be with someone I cannot love.

Without any further hesitation, the reality came barrelling out of me, “I am not saving myself for marriage, in fact I love sex. I love you, but as a friend. So much that I wouldn’t want to have you leave my life. But just as my friend. I have been using your love, taking your gifts, racking your credit cards on wild shopping sprees without thought knowing that you love me so much that it didn’t matter to you. I thought by making the excuse of saving myself, I could easily turn a blind eye away from the lack of intimacy. Hoping it would never reveal its deprived head into our relationship. But alas, I knew I couldn’t avoid it forever.”

“No, and I just kept on praying for the day that you would push me against the wall, rip off all my clothes, toss me on the bed and wail in satisfaction. I was about to propose Har, have the ring and everything. I’m not mad. I just wish I wasn’t so sightless and stupid.” He replied with candour “I will set you free.”

I wanted to tell him he wasn’t blind or stupid. I wanted to reassure him of his pride. But I knew I tore out every ounce of dignity he ever had. I knew he was blind; blind in love.

“Just go.” He said, “I will walk you out.”